I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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