Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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