you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
