Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's like iHOP with fire
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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