My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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