I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
