STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
