Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
