imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
