I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
