i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
