I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
