I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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