It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
