The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
