God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
