didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
