If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
