if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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