Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
bring money and cleavage
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Enjoy the penises
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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