you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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