If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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