Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
