I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
