You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
