so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
