she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
