He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
