I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
