Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
