I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
