Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
