I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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