Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
