Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
