You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
