Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
