Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's always time for handjobs
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
