I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
