she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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