I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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