Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
