ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
