her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
