Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
