I accidentally had phone sex last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
