I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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