just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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