if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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