Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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