ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
