pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
